


Once in a Lifetime

by Molly_Hats



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (it is Wonderland after all), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Glamour Springs (The Adventure Zone), Implied/Referenced Torture, Self-Sacrifice, Wonderland, Wonderland Taako, Wonderland Triplets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26456416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molly_Hats/pseuds/Molly_Hats
Summary: Edward and Lydia make Taako a job offer he can’t refuse.
Relationships: Edward & Lydia (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides & Merle Highchurch & Taako
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	Once in a Lifetime

When they stepped into the next room, Lydia and Edward were waiting for them in identical shiny purple suits with low cut blazers that Taako begrudgingly, although he would never admit it, acknowledged they somehow both pulled off.

“Alright, what now,” Merle asked with a sigh of black smoke. “The Apprentice from hell?”

“We’ve been thinking,” Lydia said, propping one elbow on her crossed arm and tapping a finger to her cheek. Edward mirrored her perfectly. 

“What exactly does that mean?” Magnus said. He gritted his teeth as if forcibly keeping back any negative words that might puff into black smoke.

Edward smiled, the predatory gleam in his eyes sharpening as his gaze rested on Taako. “Earlier, you asked if we were accepting applications. We’ve seen your work, and well—“

“—we’re impressed!” Lydia finished. “Using a glamour to return your beauty? That’s a page straight out of our playbook!”

“We’d like to offer you a job!” Edward added.

“No,” Magnus said, his eyes narrowing. “No, we’re all getting out of here, and we’re taking the animus bell.”

Edward glowered at Magnus for a moment. “We weren’t talking to _you_.” 

Magnus and Merle flew backward, leaving Taako alone in the center of the room. He whirled to see them pressed against the wall. They didn’t seem to have taken any damage.

Edward snapped his fingers, automatically drawing Taako’s attention. “Eyes on us, hon.”

“Look, Magnus was right. We’re all leaving,” Taako said without conviction. He swayed on his feet, or maybe it was the room that swayed.

Lydia frowned exaggeratedly. “But think of everything you’ll enjoy as a wonderland employee! A fabulous workplace culture—“

“—a new work wardrobe—“

“—a complete dental plan—“

“—and a fantastic signing bonus!” 

“What kind of signing bonus?” Taako asked warily.

“We’ll let your friends leave alive!” Edward said. 

“With the bell?” Taako asked.

“Mmm, no,” Lydia said. “They haven’t quite earned it.”

“Honestly,” Edward stage whispered, bending over so close to Taako he was almost bowing, his hand at the side of his mouth, “it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”

“Taako, listen, we can—“ Merle said just as Magnus said “they’re obviously lying—“ 

Edward waved a hand, straightening, and both suddenly fell silent. 

Taako risked another glance back. They were still yelling, although no sound reached his ears. He breathed heavily and closed his eyes for a split second. 

“What made you change your mind about hiring me?” 

“Like any responsible employers, we obviously did some background checks,” Edward said.

“I wasn’t quite won over at first, but your stunt in Glamour Springs shows just the kind of showmanship and brazen violence we value around here!”

“You’re a real go-getter!” 

“Going above and beyond!”

“Just think of the suffering we can create together!”

Taako grimaced, _that wasn’t me_ on the tip of his tongue. But he turned back to Merle and Magnus, both struggling against Edward’s invisible grip. And he sighed. “How’s your health insurance?”

“Oh, you’ll have access to extensive healing!” Edward said quickly. “We can’t have our employees keeling over on the job, can we?”

“That makes a poor impression on our guests!” 

“Of course, if you want to advance up the ladder, we’ll offer some seminars in necromancy.”

“You have so much potential!”

“You’re on the fast track to lichdom.”

Taako half-suppressed a shudder, feeling the umbra staff almost slip from his grasp. “You’ll let them go unharmed?”

Edward and Lydia gave him identical wolfish yet dazzling grins. He could swear their teeth were literally sparkling. “Of course.”

Taako glanced back at his friends one last time, straightened as best he could with one arm leaning on the staff for support, and nodded. “I accept.”

“Excellent. Welcome to the Wonderland team!”

Taako glanced back, and Merle and Magnus were gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Edgy TAZ Balance Content? In 2020? It’s more likely than you think.
> 
> Might continue this, depending on interest level and if I have anything to procrastinate on.
> 
> Many thanks to my wonderful beta and brainstorming buddy @bellafarallones, who writes wonderful TAZ content y’all should check out.


End file.
